ymalikab

01:41 am: Friends
I loved my friend
He went away from me
There is nothing more to say
The poem ends soft as it began
I loved my friend.

- Langston Hughes

This poem is probably my all time favorite poem because I have committed it to memory. It used to make me sad just thinking how sad Mr. Hughes was when he wrote it. Initially when I read this poem I was probably 10 years old or so, and I could only grasp it in that elementary way. I used imagine all the things that could have happened to his friend. My first response was that the friend died, but then I thought maybe the just lost touch, or had a horrible row. Maturity changes the impact of this poem for me because maturity brings experiences, and today at this very moment this poem is exactly how I am feeling. Melancholy, nostalgic, and fully of folly. Life and loss partners in crime.

Tags: blue

04:01 pm: the next Jennifer Hudson

Dakari 3yr old dreamgirl sing" And I am telling you" she's singing her heart out!!!

01:08 pm: On letter wrinting and mini-breaks
Thus far I have sent out three letters all within the last week and half, so not I am awaiting a reply. I definitely think that I'll get on by August at least. It's nice writing a letter, especially when you're procrastinating, because it allows one to feel like you're reaching out to friend that you haven't talked to you in ages. On the flipside stamps cost almost 1/2 a dollar, WTF, I mean USPS trying to make the letter obsolete? Friggin email and worldwide web (LOL)! Watching Live Free or Die Hard, which btw is one of the best flicks I've seen this year, it makes me wonder about everything digital. By 2009 "over the air waves" will be just a turn of thought because EVERYTHING will be digitized, and a small part of me is saddened by that. Probably the 20th century part of me, but I guess I'll get over, cause it's not like I  have choice.

Till August 16th I am on a mini-break from attending births, and I am totally stoked! I hope that these six weeks or so, gives me the break I need, because seriously if after all that time I still don't want to be back at attending births then I seriously have some big time decisions to make. Namely, telling my mother that I am not officially going to be a midwife, but I dread that because she's going to try and use her mother powers to convince me to stay. I will have to resist because it's time that I really started to enjoy my life cause well I only have about fifty years left (shocking) but true.

It's wonderful just sitting around not worrying about being called to birth, and going out for drinks with friends. This is how life should be.

05:12 pm: It never stops
Summer semester at FSTM is always the most challenging because of summer hours at UF. I was getting over the craziness of my schedule and excited about the fact that I would be done with classes in August and done with my numbers in October. The being done in October probably NOT going to happen because it seems that the most senior midwife (the one who signs off on my paperwork) has met her soulmate and is moving to MONTANA! This will all happen in four weeks! I really really am going to be in a FUNK this summer.

12:53 am: 4 Days and Counting
So in 4 days not only will I be a Quarter of Century, but I will be in Naptown aka Indianapolis, which by the way is now the city if Super bowl winners! The potential for fun is now obscene if you ask me, along with the fact that it is black history month the events for this next weekend in Naptown have just jumped up a notch! Can I say that I am PUMPED! Did I also mention that I bought 3 new pairs of shoes just because it's my birthday and because well I have a love affair with shoes. My top lover is my slightly too small pair of 9 West pumps that are a shimmery GOLD. They are soo so so fly I cannot even go into detail. Also I purchased a pair of sexy black heels that I cannot wait to where. The one sad thing is that being a midwifery student and being a librarian I hardly ever get the chance you work my new hot items.

Tomorrow I have class and I am soo not looking forward to it because well I haven't studied at all. It makes me wonder about the satisfaction I'll get from graduate school. I think with time off I'll be more inclined to like school. I wish that I could use all my money on my trip, and also I wish that I could use my money on another trip to Spring Fair, which now is becoming questionable.

I was reading this alumni post on myspace about whether alumni would do Hopkins all over again if they could choose, and surprisingly most people said yes, but the most interesting part was that many people said yes only because of the motto, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". LOL I would have to say that as much as college wore me out I did have good times, and the more I think about it the more I would have to agree. The reason being that I have a slightly elitist persona and JHU feeds it. I feel that everyone else didn't worked as hard, and that gives the ability to bitch more, and to feel superior, how shallow I know!

Tags: birthday

12:44 am: Sore necks and other ramblings
My neck hurts because a 220lb woman used it as a support as she pushed out her 9lb baby! Also, PMS, lack of sleep and hydration leads to very mind shattering headaches, thus you vomit and cannot sleep and life sucks for several hours. That being said I cannot wait till 2/9/07 when I fly to Indianapolis and have my birthday weekend with Shimmy!

I have to say I have a sigh of relief knowing that Shims has gained some weight, because otherwise I would loath to take pics with her cause it'd look like feast and famine all in one shot! Did I mention that I went to the barber and told her that I wanted and inch from the top, and she assumed that I meant top of my head, thus now I almost have a boy fro! Luckily I have very nice earrings to balance off the lack of plumage.

I have a very round head, almost egg-like in it's appearance, (note to self, don't cut hair this low again) I mean everyone says it's cute, but I am vain enough that I don't want an egg head! Did I mention that I am going to be 25, omg that is more then I planned for, lol, or less because I am not the adult I imagined I would, but cie la vie. My period's coming......frell!

08:15 pm: End of an Era
Gosh I feel old! I was on facebook and I realized that the Freshman are now Seniors and I am like WOW! I cannot be that old, or that long graduated from college, but alas I am! Who knew that three years would go sooooo fast? The idea of going to Spring fair is nice, and I keep thinking that I am not going to know anybody. What I do hope is that they're having a Spring Production, that is DBH, so that I can go for nostalgia's sake.

There is also the fact that I will be turning a quarter century soon enough. I thinks it's more that then the fact that three years have flown by. On a funnier note about about being older....I was in Walmart (I know bad me), but I was cramping and it was close by. Anyway I got in a line that was closed, but the cashier said that she would ring me up. Then this older man in those automated wheel chair things rolled up behind me, and he just had one loaf of bread.
He Said: You can't say no to an old man whose handicapped.
Cashier: (Sighs) You're my last one.
All of us: Share a smile
Cashier: Didn't I see you walk in here last week?
Old man: (Chuckles) Maybe, but that was when my legs were feelin good. They're tired now. I got to save them for my wife, when I meet her.
(We all laughed)
5 minutes later I am pulling out my spot and the old man is waving to me as he jauntily walked to his car!

When you get old the things that you get to pull....Ah the bright side of age I CANNOT WAIT.

11:52 pm: Broke and MP3 Player
My MP3 player is non-functioning, and I don't want to think it, but it's pretty much broken. GRRR! I just bought the thing in February and I don't even use it all that much, and now I have to go and buy another one? Technology is so delicate sometimes I just cannot stand it. I don't really have it in my budget to buy another one, but being the consumer that I am, I will....

On another note, I dyed my hair this weekend and I really like the color it's the cool golden brown color. The funny thing is that I have like 2 inches of hair, or maybe like 5 now since my barber disappeared, and somehow I managed to dye my hair so that it looks more like I have highlights! That's freakin' ridiculous. My hair even picked out is so curly that it didn't allow the entire bottle of hair dye (that is for all length hair) dye it all one color. Then it could just be that straight up thick nappy dye proof hair texture that I have. Did I mention that I also tried to style my 5 inch hair

Well I did, and too my dismay it took as long as when my hair was shoulder length! My cowoker informed me today that "my head is still the same size", I guess that means that I have a big head! It's what my mother told me when I got my hair cut, and I guess on some level that must be true. After 3 hours of doing my hair I realized that I hated it.

This is what happened I was trying to do comb twists, and I couldn't get the hang of it as I am slightly retarded, and then I used my finger, big mistake because that was going to cause either paralysis or extreme finger fatigue. Then I just decided to do double-strand twists, and I did and I hate it, but I've gotten so many complements that I guess it's worth my hatred. I hate hair.

Tags: hair

10:46 pm: Ramblings
I bought some ram for my pc today, and tell why manufacturers make it so hard to place it in slots! My thumbs are tender from pushing down on the ram, and plus there is always the fear that I would break the darn thing. I can say this though: 1ghz of ram finally!

I need a haircut soo badly I am starting to look raggedy! What to do my barber closed down and left no signs of where I could go to get my hair cut! So, now I have to try another place and apparently the wait will be like a thousand hours. I'll be the only girl in the shop, so now I have to dress up to get my hair cut, because who knows the hottie potential in there?

Can I just say that I hate bureaucracy and middle management bull, because I have this dumb meeting for the sake of having a meeting! I hate meetings, no I really, really, really, do!

As a happy note I am skipping class tomorrow morning! YAY

11:50 pm: Bags?!
I looked in the mirror this weekend after 11 yummy hours of sleep and noticed that I had faint but detectable dark smudges under my eyes! I am outraged, appalled, disgusted, and still sleepy. How sad is that I have dark circles? I didn't even have these at JHU, and I thought I was tired then! Florida is bound to be the death of my emotionally, mentally, and now physically. Regardless of the 11 hours or even if I had 18 hours of sleep I think that my entire being is weary. Utterly. Bags?! WTF, how old am I anyway...oh yeah I am only 24, just 24 in the richest (albeit dumb) nation in the world and I have bags under my eyes?

Can I just be a drop out? I really want to just be done, and I mean like nothing else in my life and I have another year left, and I really am not sure that I can make it. I wish that i could finish this long distance or something, because I really need to recharge my batteries.

Any suggestions on how to recharge?

10:19 pm: At War With Ants
Last night I came home and wondered what covering the stove. It turned out that it was a heaving mass of ants. Two days ago I saw some ant in the bathroom, and I think that they were just doing reconnaissance, because at this point they are invading with a tidal wave force. I just don't want them in my room is all.

I have a fascination with the order and force of ant, and in fact one of my favorite books is Empire of the Ants by David Werber, and as much as they suck swarming in your kitchen it is fascinating to watch them in action. If I had my way I would follow them back to nest to see how the other side lives.

Interesting fact is that good ole grits kill ants. It's like rice and birds....well since ants are miniscule to birds I am sure it takes a lot less grits to kill ants.

All I have to say is that we better win this war, and I mean the human element.

10:00 pm: Ponderings etc.
In this random survey that I sent out to my friends, which I was surprised that anyone returned, one of good friends said something that I wonder is true post graduation from college, or if it was only for me. Her least favorite thing about herself is her tendency to keep things to herself in last 3 years or so, and I oddly I don't find that as beening to terrible, except for the fact that she never answers her phone. Yet, I feel not that I have become more inward, but more that I have been placed alone by myself. It's weird because I tend to be quite social in general, but I am simultaneously very introspective and a little brooding. Nonetheless, I feel like all my really close friend have in a similar fashion been placed on an "island", or feel very alone, if not lonely.

I wonder what this phase of life is about

11:33 pm: Offended
Being black it's almost instinctual to hate the cops, and growing up in NYC where police brutality is the norm, I should have been conditioned to hate the po-po, but noooooo being the naive girl I was I was neutral. You know following the motto, "Let's not generalize"! Ha. Last laugh on me, because today, ie (time to fill the quota) I got a traffic violation, for not yielding the right away.

It was all due to my banana boat station wagon, a stop sign, and a cop traveling "Not that fast". I stopped, yielded, and then eased out, due to the size of my Abby, I didn't see the police officer barreling at me, and then I when I noticed him I stopped. Now he could have continued on, but he let me pass, so I thought. Ha, he followed me and then made me pull over, grrr! The officer had a nerve to ask me, "If I knew why I was stopped." Honestly I thought it was because he thought I hadn't yielded at the stop sign, but no, it was because he said I didn't yield to his right of way! Lies, I yielded, but I cannot see around corners, and he was going rather quickly in a 30MPH zone. So, I asked in my shaky I hate confrontation voice was there a ceratin time one was supposed to stop, and he said no, I mean I am new driver.

April says that I was supposed to just act dumb, and when I questioned him he took it as sarcastic. It was one of the rare times in my life that I wasn't being sarcastic and look where it got me! So, I am debating whether or not to contest it, or just pay the $121.50 (WTF?) for a not yielding. It makes me so mad just thinking about it. I mean that's like 1 day and half of my pay for this lousy ticket. I hate the POPO, The MAN, AND I miss the MTA!

Tags: drama

10:50 pm: The Count Down Begins
In 8 days I will be in NYC and I cannot say how excited I am. Nothing will really be able to get me down now that my vacation is almost here. I am moving this weekend, I have to take my car to the shop, begin working on my finals, but none of this will really bother me because I am going HOME! And boy am I going to eat!

12:46 am:

Your EQ is 147

50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick! 51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese. 71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely. 91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that. 111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt. 131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin. 150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar.

12:33 am: On the Bright Side
On the bright side it's only a week in a half till I am on my home! On the bright side I was less of a spendthrift then I thought that I was this month. On the bright side I can afford the tune up that my baby Abby desperately needs. On the bright Side parking at the airport will only cost me $35 bucks for 4 days. On the bright side of life today!

And I have to say that is about darn time.

07:02 pm: A little lighter
Today I feel a lot lighter of spirit then my last post. I don't know what it that broke my blues but I am feeling a lot more yellow. It might because I am firm in my boundaries at the birth center, or it could be the fact that in just 2 weeks I'll be on vacation, or it might be the fact that my suturing workshop rocks, or it might because God's smiling on me for some strange reason! Whatever the reason who cares? I feel a helluva lot better and that's all that matters. It's like my mom says, "I'm tired too." Sadly I think that is the truth about far too many people on this planet. We're all sooo tired and exhaustion clouds the brighter side of life, but who knows how to get rid of that exhaustion, or why we are all pushing ourselves to this insane limits? What is it all for? Who am I living for? It cannot be myself, because then.....well I would happy:LOL. That is a total lie, because we are our own worst enemies. The truth is I knew that in order to get out of my funk I had to just embrace my decision to be here in Florida, being a midwifery student, and working full time.

This is not how I planned it, but nothing so far in my life has gone as planned. Cie la vie.

Tags: reflections

10:19 pm: Ponder of the week
THis week was my "summer break" from school that is! I wish that I didn't have to work or go to clinic, and really have had break. Although I have to say that I haven't been doing any school related things this week, ie. studying for my upcoming midterms, or purchasing a suturing book.

I have to say that I enjoyed my Independence Day much to my surprise actually. Some friends and I cooked burgers and kebobs on the grill, and had fruit salad, nothing big but it was still fun. Then we watched one of my all time favorite movies: Austin Powers 2! It just never gets old, at least not to me. It seems amazing to me that that this movie was the anthem of my senior year of high school! Wow how time flys once you hit 18! LOL.

I really need to go out dancing, because two days ago I dressed up in dancing clothes and heels and commenced to dance in my room for several hours. All I wished was that I was dancing with some hot guy, and the truth was that he could have joined me in my bedroom....LOL...not like that at all. I had the music all I needed was the man. (SIGH). The story of my life. Incidentally I think today I ok'd this guy from work to go to the movies with me....I meant purely platonically, boy I hope that's what he meant.....

Shamira had a dream that she was sexing her pops, and I had a nightmare that I couldn't kiss! What's going on with us? Also, I wonder if I am the only person who cannot imagine themselves having sex....

01:50 pm: Currenly I am sitting at work writing a paper, which is due...tomorrow of course! Yes, I am a proclaimed procrastinator, but I am not here to complain of one of my largest faults. What I want to do is say yipee that in almost a month from now I will be back at home for a weekend, and then the very next weekend my GIRLS will be down here for four days of fun in the sun! It's almost pathetic how excited I become with these thoughts, but this is all that I have to get through an otherwise very dismal and boring summer! Back to my paper

Tags: work

02:16 pm: It Starts Again
Yesterday was my first day back at school. Mind you have not been in class since March, so I wasn't really looking forward to it. Tis summer session here at work and that means that hours are shorter and less hours to make up for class. Thus, this summer I am working 6 days a week for over 8 hours a day and I am on call at all times. I am completely and utterly overwhelmed once again! It feels as if I am being compressed, and it is at times like these that I know I am not meant to live be such harsh scheudles, or to work and attend school. I am never going to do this again in life.....NEVER will I work 40 hours a week and be a full time student. Never. Just one more year of this madness, I only hope that I can stand it. One day at time is all I can manage, and I have to stop thinking about 12 weeks of madness, and just take it one day at a time. I will only let myself feel overwhelmed 20 minutes more and then I will just have to suck it up and blow it out, because I choose this.

Tags: school